Winter. Oh, winter.

Winter is such an awful time for me. Always has been, and it's always felt this way, for as long as I can remember. I feel so isolated. You can't just go out for a bikeride downtown. Or go out with no destonation, just for the purpose of going and just being. The buses and trains are so late and even completely stops going, because of the snow. You can't just go out, and sit and enjoy everything that is. 

I almost never see the outside of my the walls of our house in the winter. When you go out you have to have seventeen layers of clothes not to freeze to death, and you feel like a fat snowman and are incredibly uncomfortable... and when you don't you freeze so much you can't even enjoy the purpose of being outside, and can only think of going finally being able to go in the warmth only the inside can give you. 



Though, December is such an cozy month... With my birthday, and Christmas and everything like that. And i wish that whole december month out could be snowy and just so cozy, and just such a christmas-feeling, and the rest of the year was summer/spring. But that's not the case... At all. An impossible wish. The depressing months start even with the fall coming in, and that's where everything is starting to get awfull. And the months drag on like a miserable dark cold, until the snow finally hits and covers the ground and lights up the darkness, just a little bit more... 

And sure, the winter is beautiful sometime.. Sometime.. The sun shines and warms the atmosfere up a bit... But only for a few hours, and after that it gets miserable and dark again.. 



The end of fall, the winter and the start of spring, is such an depressing time for me. And i hardly even go out. Isolated. And every year. I just want be able to just go somewhere, downtown, just stroll around, take my bike, go running, sit outside and write, go around with my camera... and I can't do that these months of the year. 

It feels like i would get so much more done, be so much happier, enjoy the outside, see more people i love, just do more of the things i love - if it wasn't winter... Because winter and I never have got along really, and we never will. 



So, as soon as i can, maybe in 4 years, I'm going to move somewhere, where it isn't a white winter. Abroad. I am, i really am. Because I think i could really enjoy life so much more then. Be able to just sit outside day in, day out. Enjoy the light. Winter has never been my thing, so as soon as i can - i am going to move. So now, I'm trying to enjoy the winter as much as i can, while i can... but frankly, I really can't feel it.. it's just miserable.. and I miss going out, seeing people, the long, summer nights, and not just the summer, everything not having to do with winter... Because the cold, the snow, and everything makes me just want to stay inside.. and everything is so much more complicated.... and when I do go outside, I just feel so miserable and want to go in as soon as I can..

But soon, I'm out of here. This place that never really felt like a home, this country I couldn't feel more absent from.

I don't know what is going to happen within the next years, what might change, and I don't know where I'll turn up, or what life will look like then, I just know that I would be so much more me, so much happier, and closer to my dreams and myself, if I wasn't here, where I have to stand these miserable months that is most of the year.. 

And all I can say is that I look forward to it. So much.




Soon, this will just be beautiful. In a few years, when i can just come back and enjoy the snow for a few days... Then, it will be beautiful.

But not like this, never like this.